The morning sun beaming down on us like a big ball of fire
the cotton candy like clouds passing by us
The green grass touching making my feet from the morning dew,
The huge tree trunks towering over us as if they are giants
The dandelions on the ground swaying back and forth from the tiny breeze
as the little florets fly away
The thunderous roar of the buses and cars coming in and out
of the school parking lot
The different colored leaves wandering around the school
falling one by one all over the place
Monday, May 4, 2009
Spring [Nature Poem]
Spring
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I really liked how you used imagery to convey the signs of spring. It was very creative. However, some points are more vague than others. Did you mean to do this? I felt as if the "signs of spring" were bigger than me. Good job :]
ReplyDeleteRENE,
ReplyDeleteIn your poem, I liked how you described everything that happened when we were standing outside taking notes of the soccer field. My favorite line that you wrote is, "The morning sun beaming down on us like a big ball of fire", because its immense imagery. However, I think that you need to change the line, "the cotton candy like clouds pass by" because it seems as if you just cut off an idea. On the other hand, good job Rene!
rene,
ReplyDeleteyour poem was very cute:) i enjoyed reading it. i agree with kristi on cutting the line, "the cotton candy like clouds pass by" or simply just changing it since it kind of doesn't make sense, but at the same time i know what you are trying to say.
i felt as if your poem was like just a list of what you see when we were at that spot on the field; at the end when you were saying "these are the signs of spring" is pretty vague.
other than that, keep up the good work rene!
-kayrayyyy; 12:04 haha
Rene,
ReplyDeleteI like the way you create vivid imagery in your poem, using figurative language. You make outside of Herricks High School sound so much better than it actually is! I wonder if you can work on adding some deeper meaning here? You don't have to, but it's a thought for revision. Overall, nice job!
Rene,
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I really enjoyed reading your poem. I think the imagery was really good. My favorite part was "The thunderous roar of the buses" I like how you used the word thunderous to describe the buses.
I think you should have added a few more descriptions in your poem. But overall, you did a wonderful job!
~Farzana~