Tuesday, March 3, 2009
intro
2:35 P.M. The school bell rings and all you hear are people talking louder than ever, the shuffling of papers and the pitter patter of everyone running and walking out of school because today was Friday, the Friday before Spring Break. As I walked home, with my two best friends since 4th grade, Nicole and Kristi we talked about what we were doing over break and how Nicole was going to Mexico and Kristi was going on a cruise to Jamaica and I wasn’t going anywhere. I was fine with staying home, but knowing that my best friends weren’t going to be here was really annoying. As we walked to my house like we did every Friday, we saw Megan, Jen, Rachel and Sabrina in Sabrina’s car with her mom going to Sabrina’s house. I knew where Sabrina lived because she was my neighbor; those four girls were the most popular girls in our grade. Kristi, Nicole and I called them the Fab Four. They weren’t actually called that but we just called them that. Sabrina and I used to be friends in 2nd grade up to 5th grade but as we got to middle school, things changed. Anyways, the Fab Four… they had everything, the pretty faces, the nice bodies, the clothes and everything.
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At the very beginning of your paragraph you immediatley caught my attension when you wrote, "2:35" P.M. To me when you start it with a time it makes it more unique and at first glance I feel like the story will be very suspenseful. However, in the line describing what each friend was doing over spring break, I noticed that you should but a comma between Mexico and Kristi. In the end, i thought that this was a good start especially since you made the reader want to read on when you introduced the "fab five" characters. --kRiSti!!(=
ReplyDeletethis is a really good introuction. i liked how you explained the setting (time, place, who you were with). I also liked how you started with "2:35 P.M." because it no doubt catche's the readers eyes and thoughts. there were a few mistakes where you should have added commas, and maybe there's a way you can make the ending more suspensful. all in all, great job! i really want to know what happens to the Fab Four. :)
ReplyDeleteRene,
ReplyDeleteI like this group you've created: the Fab Four. I'm definitely interested in learning more about them in the rest of the story.
I'd like your lead to be more of a springboard for your story though. Right now, your story doesn't have any momentum because it's all background information. Move something to the front that's going to get the story going.
Overall, I'm interested in these characters, so keep writing!